The Silent Fatigue Without a Name.

One feels a sort of fatigue, not due to excessive effort, but excessive bearing. It does not necessarily manifest itself in the form of tears or rage. It frequently appears in the form of a perfunctory malaise in the body, the loss of interest in life, the feeling that one is exhausted and yet has slept. Many people feel this kind of tiredness during a relationship, which is especially annoying because their partner frequently doesn't notice it.  
Sometimes, when I'm more quiet, I'll think, "How can this person who is so close to me both physically and emotionally not see how tired I am?"

Even that question in itself is very isolating. It may lead a person to question his or her needs, his or her expectations, and even his/her right to be tired in the first place.

This blog discusses the reason why this occurs, not in a blameful manner, but in a manner of knowing. Since, in the vast majority of cases, the exhaustion is objective and the failure to perceive lies in the unseen forces which gradually form themselves with time.

The real meaning of Emotional Exhaustion in Relationships.

The issue of emotional exhaustion in relationships seldom has to do with one incidence. It is cumulative. It develops out of recurrent episodes of emotional management, adaptation, and accountability. It is because it observes mood changes, who predicts responses, who reserves speech in favor of peace, who recalls what is important, who carries the emotional thermo-couplet of the relationship.

On the surface, life goes on as normal. Conversations happen. Responsibilities are met. Plans move forward. However, internally, there is always a feeling that one is on, that one must be able to control not only oneself, but also the emotional weather of the relationship.

People say such as, I do not know why I am so tired. There is nothing technically wrong about that. And that misunderstanding is likely to postpone discovery--on the side of the partner, as well as on the side of the person who is discovered in such a way.

The Invisibility of Emotional Labor.

Emotional labor is an invisible phenomenon and this is one of the reasons why partners cannot see exhaustion. Emotional labor does not leave any trace as opposed to physical work. It does not leave any visible trace of how many emotions were controlled, as well as how many internal modifications were preferred during the day.

Emotional labor is done consistently, which keeps it disrupted. Conflicts are softened. Before tension is developed to a high level, it is cooled down. Needs are fulfilled prior to them being demands. Ironically, things are so smooth that the more transparent the labor.

A spouse usually witnesses stability and presupposes comfort. What they fail to notice is the continuous internal surveillance that ensured that stability was achieved. With time, fatigue conceals itself under functionality.

You Always Manage Things So Well:

A large number of those who are burdened with emotional exhaustion have not reached this pattern by chance. It usually goes back to childhood, when it was not an option to be self-sufficient but rather a necessity. As children, they were taught, implicitly or explicitly, painfully, that the needs could not be expressed without causing discomfort and support. Rather it resulted in dismissal, criticism, emotional withdrawal or the sense of being a burden. With time the nervous system learned the following lesson: it is better to do it by yourself.

This adaptation frequently resembled exterior emotional development. Such people trained themselves to calm down, to remain steady, to predict the other people, and to make themselves less in order to maintain a steady relationship with others. What was in reality occurring, however, was not independence, but early emotional responsibility. The child was taught that the only way to survive was to cause less trouble and to be as self-controlled as possible.

Learning does not fade away in adulthood. It infiltrates into intimate relationships of people silently. The same tendency is frequently perpetuated in relationships: fatigue is kept secret, stress is minimized, and desires are suppressed to be put to bed until they become big enough to be taken into consideration. One has an internal policy, which is, Don’t ask unless absolutely necessary. And before it comes to seem needed, the individual is already worn out.rom the outside this may appear to be strength. On the inside, it is a burden of being left alone. Most individuals confess, sometimes secretly, I did not want to make a big deal, or I believed that I should have been able to deal with this. Silence turns out to be a means of preserving the relationship, even though it is gradually robbing an individual of his or her emotional energies.

Such silence, though, conveys a message in a negative way. In cases of concealed exhaustion, the partners are given the notification that all is well. The lack of the expressed need can be usually explained by the fact that capacity rather than struggle is the cause of the lack. Gradually, this strengthens the asymmetry: one partner is left to deal with the emotions, and the other one does not even realize that it is not free.

It should be noted that such silence is not manipulation and avoidance. It is often fear-based. To be able to share the needs may be scary, uncertain or even dangerous, particularly when a person grew up believing that anything weak resulted in disappointment. Coming out can cause guilt, anxiety, or even the fear of appearing to be promising or weak.

But in relationships no response can be made to the unsaid. The most attentive partner is not able to read the needs, communication of which is concealed under competence and composure. When exhaustion is not talked about it has no support not that it does not deserve it, it just lacks the language to express it.

There is no need to learn how to be exhausted, but rather to redefine what strength is. It is concerning permitting needs to be, without having to collapse. To most, it is a gradual and painful process- one which entails not being conditioned that it is impossible to be in need of support. Actually, it is a sign of trust and an invitation to develop a relationship that will be based on caring about each other instead of silent suffering..

Role Locking within Relationships.

Majority of relationships build emotional roles without referring them as such. One of the partners can also be the emotional organizer the partner who starts the conversation, fixes misunderstandings, and maintains the emotional balance. The other partner can count on this stability, without quite noticing the extent of the amount of work it entails.

These roles are self-reinforcing after being established. The one partner who bears emotional labor does the same because other things come to a standstill. The beneficiary partner does not realize that it is working because the system continues.

This is not necessarily deliberate. It is merely the way that patterns take shape when there is an unequal distribution of responsibility and it is never a renegotiation.

Various Levels of Emotional Awareness.

Emotional fatigue is not something that is picked up by everyone. There are individuals who are more task oriented, result oriented and explicit in communication. They react when what is said is clearly stated or when they see a problem they are to solve.

The emotional exhaustion, however, is subtle. It manifests itself in tone, energy, and inner depletion. A less emotionally sensitive partner might actually fail to pick up on these cues unless he or she expresses them in a manner that is explicit. This may cause some painful misunderstanding in which one partner feels ignored, and the other one feels confused as to what they have missed.

None of the experiences is invalid--but their lack of awareness increases the distance.

When Asking to Be Helped was Never Taught.

Most of the people who experience emotional exhaustion grew up knowing that they have to be on their own. They came to understand that speaking out needs resulted in being sacked, overworked, or disillusioned. Therefore, they accommodated themselves by controlling all that.

This history tends to carry on in relationships. Fatigue is dealt with discreetly. Needs are minimized. The person does not seek help until the time he or she is exhausted. Silence then sends some unintended message: I could handle.

Spouses are unable to react to what is not communicated even though the communication may seem scary or uncomfortable.

Strength as a Strategy of Survival.

To most people, it was not an option whether to be strong, but a necessity. Emotional resilience was a survival mechanism in the face of uncertain conditions, emotional lack or early adulthood. This strength is usually transformed into over-functioning relationships in adulthood.

It appears admirable on the outside. On the inside, it is draining.

Some people say that they do not even know how not to be the strong one. That is an indication of how far the pattern is entrenched. And the problem with leaves of strength is that it is unsafe to release strength even when it is required.

The reasons why partners will not want to notice.

There are times when one does not realize that he or she is exhausted, but it is avoidance. On the one hand, accepting the emotional exhaustion of a partner may mean a transformation change in the distribution of roles, imbalance, or involvement in emotional labor that was not involved in the past.

To partners who do not feel comfortable with feelings or with conflict, failure to notice is an unconscious process of keeping the balance. It keeps them safe in charge, culpability, or inconvenience. This is unintended, but this can be terribly wounding as it goes on.

Fatigue Not To Burnout Is Not Easy to see.

A lot of individuals can only identify suffering when it appears theatrical. Anger, withdrawal or emotional collapse are more readily observable. However, emotional exhaustion tends to appear silent.

It seems like it is a matter of making the motions. It appears to present oneself without a smile. It resembles attending and yet being not alive. Since life is still running, couples can think that all is okay.

It is building up the cost internally.

Bringing Sensibility to Exhaustion.

Healing is not initiated by blame. It begins with visibility. Naming exhaustion is not faulty- it is clear. It enables the emotional labor to shift between an unspoken carried state to a shared and recognized state.

This may not be pleasant as it may require one to live with and not to complain. The effects of long established patterns used to taking place are guilt, fear and uncertainty. However, uncomfortable does not imply the presence of wrongness, but it indicates, more often than not, that something significant is moving about.

A Healthier Reframe

Lack of exhaustion when a partner is not observed automatically leads to the conclusion of indifference or the absence of love. This is a moment so many absorb because they wonder whether their needs or not are important or they are just making too much. Yet this interpretation, as far as it can be made out, is incomplete. The problem is not in most cases not being taken care of, but rather the existence of a system that was never designed to show the emotional effort.

Relationships, in fact, can over time arrange themselves silently on their own, in terms of endurance, rather than communication. One individual gets to know how to survive by soldiering on, by being competent, by internalizing the emotional stress without identifying it. The other partner who perceives stability and functionality believes that all is well. Both individuals are not out to bring about imbalance but the relationship gradually starts to be based on silent power rather than mutual understanding.

Reciprocity is usually substituted by positions without any observation. One of the partners turns into an emotional stockpile, the reliable one, the arbiter of emotions and circumstances. The other partner might provide business care differently, but he does not realize the emotional price behind the scene. Where roles are not questioned, no one sees the effort, and fatigue is a thing of the past and not an indicator that something requires some attention.

A more healthy perspective of this dynamic is that most relationships are not founded without direction on the aspect of emotional transparency. They are constructed on the survival skills -skills acquired in previous relations, family systems or other environments where vulnerability was either unprotected or uncompensated. In such situations, strength implied not requiring, not requesting and not interfering. Although they might have served as protective skills in the past, the skills can silently destroy emotional attachment in adult life.

Healthy relationships do not entail having to fall on one person so that he or she can be noticed. Emotional suffering does not require becoming dramatic in order to be legitimate. They are too exhausted before they are recognized. Sustainable connection will develop when the partners learn to observe effort and not only results- when they listen to what is being said, but also to what it costs them in emotional terms.

When emotional labor is recognized, care becomes a shared one and not one-sided. Due to support, it is proactive instead of reactive. Being vulnerable turns out to be an advantage rather than a liability. This, over a period of time, builds up to a relationship in which both partners are allowed to be human, strong and capable, tired and in need of care.

This reframe calls upon pity instead of criticism. It enables one to think of exhaustion not as a love failure, but rather as an indication that the relationship itself might require new language, clarity, and an equal sharing of emotional burden. And there something healthier may start growing--that being visible is no longer needed to fade away first.

Closing Reflection

When this sounds, it might be well to ask what the reason is, not that there is exhaustion, but why has it been plowed single-handed so long? Emotional depression is not a failure. It is usually an indication that emotional labor has been invisible, unproclaimed, and unprovided.

It is not too much to be visible. It is an essential element of emotional safety. And sometimes the initial move of being noticed is subtle, to get tired of speaking out.

‍